Snow White and the Seven . . . er Three Dwarfs

items in italics and surrounded by :'s are the author talking :cough:

  This story starts as most fairy tales start. . . far away and long ago there lived a good King and his beautiful daughter, Lucius . . . er Snow White. The Queen died giving birth to the princess and after a few years the King remarried to give Lucius a mother. Her name was Leliel and she was the most beautiful woman in the land.

  Years went by and Lucius grew into to an extremely lovely... woman. Queen Leliel watched this and became increasingly jealous. One day she went to her magic mirror and asked "Mirror mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all?" and the mirror replied "Why 'tis Snow White my Queen."

  Queen Leliel went into a fierce rage, throwing things, yelling, and stomping her feet. "THE BRAT IS NOT PRETTIER THAN ME. HE'S NOOOOOT!" she screamed and went to throw a pair of scissors but stopped in mid throw. SHe looked at the scissors and a very unpleasant grin appeared on her face. She threw back her head and laughed. The laugh echoed throughout the kingdom and everyone who heard it shivered a little.

  The next day the Queen summoned her loyal Huntsman, Alistair, to her chambers. He staggered in, carrying a rather large sword, and sat down across from the Queen.

  "I want you to kill Snow White and bring me back her heart."

  Alistair leaned back and yawned. "Okay"

  "You see, he's bugging me, and he's stupid, so I really think you shoul... did you say okay?"

  "Yup"

  "Okay then.. that's good. Yeah, that's good." The Queen said, nodding. She dismissed the Huntsman and walked over to her mirror. "By this time tomorrow I'll be the fairest one of all."

-------

  Alistair and Lucius were riding on his steed deep into the woods. Lucius leaned forward and asked "So explain to me again why we are in the woods with the bugs and the bears and stuff?"

  "I brought you to see the bunnies. You like the bunnies don't you?"

  "Yay! Bunnies!"

  They stopped about twenty minutes later as they approached the darkest part of the forest. Lucius hopped about in his red satin dress. "Bunnies! Bunnies!" While Alistair was sneaking up behind him with his sword raised. He was about to bring it down when he stopped. Lucius turned around and gasped. "What a big sword!"

  "Damn it! Now I can't kill you. Anyone who recognizes the beauty of my sword can't be killed. It should be like a law or something. You just stay here and I'll get a pig's heart from the butcher or something." Alistair jumped on his steed. "Oh and try to avoid the dwarfs, they're nasty."

-------

  Lucius sat on a tree stump, staring morosely at a poesy he held in his hand. "There are no bunnies here... that weirdo lied to me. I bet it was a ploy to get me alone so he could take advantage of me. Well I'm not gonna wait here forever for that to happen! Maybe a few more minutes but then I'm definitely leaving." About an hour later he got up and started walking. He eventually ended up in front of a very small house, hidden in the forest.

  "Gingerbread house! Gingerbread house!" Lucius ran to the house, and licked the side of the wall. "Yuck! Wood and dirt! Maybe there are some goodies inside." He crept inside the house. Inside there were three little beds and a little kitchen. Lucius squealed and ran to the kitchen. He ate all the food he could find and fell exhausted onto one of the little beds.

  Later that night the three dwarfs, Claris, Necavi, and Donovan, were just coming home from a long day of cheese mining. And they . .

  "Excuse me? Cheese mining? And why are there only three dwarfs? And why is there a chick dwarf? I don't remember a chick dwarf." Donovan asked.

  :Um... I thought seven dwarfs was too ostentatious and I had to put Claris somewhere . . . as for the cheese thing. . . I just like cheese.:

  "Fiiiiine." Donovan sighed and the three dwarfs walked into their house.

  "Hey! All our food is gone!" Necavi said.

   "And s-o-o-omeone is sle-e-e-ping in my bed." Claris said.

  The dwarfs all gathered around the bed Lucius was sleeping in. They glared down at him. Lucius popped open one eye and then jumped up.   "AHHHHH! Who are you?!"

  "No. The question is; who are you?" Donovan replied.

  "I'm a beautiful princess and you should be honored to have me." Lucius said, with an angelic smile on his face.

  "Get out, you food thief." Donovan said.

  Lucius burst into tears and wailed. His makeup got all smudged and he wailed louder and louder.

  "Make him stop!" Necavi said.

  Donovan gritted his teeth. "Fine, you can stay. But you sleep on the floor!" he said and stomped off.

  Lucius stopped crying, smiled, and laid back on the bed. "Now, whose going to make me some muffins?"

-------

  The Queen sat in her chambers and smiled as her chef brought her Snow White's heart on a platter, surrounded by parsley. "Yummy!" she said and ate the whole thing. She ambled over to the mirror and asked. "Mirror mirror on the wall, now whose the fairest of them all?"

  "Why 'tis Snow White my Queen" the mirror replied.

  "Whaaa? What? I just ate her heart! Explain!"

  "You ate the heart of a pig, the Huntsman could not kill Snow White."

   "Gahhh! Dammnit! Fine! I'll just have to do it myself" The Queen stomped off and walked down farther and farther into the bowels of the castle until she got to her secret room where she kept all her evil potions. She put a bunch of stuff into a large cauldron and then dipped a twinkie in it.

  "As soon as Snow White eats this poisoned twinkie he shall die! DIE DIE DIE!"

-------

  Lucius was lounging around in the sun, getting his tanning done, when he was approached by an old crone.

  "Want a twinkie?"

  "Mmmmm... cream filling!" Lucius grabbed the twinkie and took a bite. It got stuck in his throat and he fell to the ground. The crone laughed and transformed into the Evil Queen Leliel. "That's what you get!"

  The dwarfs arrived then and started chasing the queen. They chased her all the way to a ledge and pushed her off.

  "That was fun. We should push people over ledges more often." Donovan said.

  "B-u-u-u-t what about S-n-n-n-ow W-w-w-white?" Claris asked.

  Donovan glared at her. "He's dead, let's just go get some pizza." And they did.

-------

  Lucius was left lying on the ground for many years until a handsome Prince appeared. Prince Sean was so taken with his beauty that he leaned down and kis..

  "NO! I am not kissing that guy. Why is it even a guy anyway?!"

  :I'm weird. Just kiss him already before he forgets who he is and gets up.:

  Lucius opened one eye and grinned. He closed his eye when Sean looked at him.

  "I'll kiss him but only on the cheek! And he'd better not try anything weird!" Sean gingerly approached Lucius and screwed up his face in an expression that conveyed his absolute agony. He kissed Lucius on the cheek. Lucius opened his eyes, jumped up, and planted on right on Sean's mouth. Sean was struggling and trying to get away while Lucius kissed him. Lucius let go and Sean growled at him.

  "That was fun! Let's do it again!"

  Sean glared and started walking away. He walked on a rake and the handel came up and smacked him on the face.

  "What the hell is wrong with you?! THERE WERE NO RAKES IN OLDEN TIMES!"

  :But it's funny! Remember the episode of the Simpsons where SideShow Bob kept on stepping on the rakes and making that funny noise? ^ ^:

  "I like Sideshow Bob! His hair is neat!"

  "I hate you all." Sean mounted his horse.

  "Wait for me! Your supposed to take me with you and marry me and live haaaapily ever after!" Lucius said. He ran to the horse and looked up at Sean with a smile.

  "Get bent." Sean kicked his horse and rose away.

  "Sean? SEAN! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I'M ALL ALONE IN THE WOODS! SEEEEEEAAAANNN!" Lucius yelled until he was out of breath and then collapsed. A squirrel landed on his lap and stared at him. "Will you marry me?" The squirrel chittered and Lucius picked it up. "Yay! I'm gonna marry a squirrel!"

  And they lived happily ever after.